


Holes

by zeldadestry



Category: The OC
Genre: Community: 100_women, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-14
Updated: 2007-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-09 23:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/92707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeldadestry/pseuds/zeldadestry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say it's painful. They say it feels like your heart's going to explode. Like she doesn't already know all about that. So really. Why not?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holes

**Author's Note:**

> prompt 62, 'death', for 100_women fanfic challenge

She's so over her punk phase.

Except that it comes screaming back on nights like this.

It's cold tonight.

Men say they love you and then they leave.

It's not Ryan's fault. She's the one who said it first, years ago.

He said it back, but who knows if he ever meant it.

Except that she thinks he did mean it, back then.

But he never really trusted her, especially not after what happened with Oliver.

Bikini Kill. It's their song that keeps playing in her head. Outta me. "I don't remember you ever loving me…I think that was your fucking fantasy." That was the line. It was easy to play. Someone showed her on a guitar once. Just a few notes. Hypnotic, painful. Sometimes she drank just to escape it. Not the song itself, not the music or the lyrics, just what they had come to represent to her. No. Not even that. Why did it resonate? Pain already inside her, and the song just echoed it. Yeah. Like that. Drank to escape what was always inside her, beside her.

She used to imagine drowning. Getting drunk and walking into the water, swimming so far out that she'd never be able to make it back to shore.

They say it's painful. They say it feels like your heart's going to explode.

Like she doesn't already know all about that.

So really. Why not?

"Can we talk about this?" She'll be begging. "Please?" So many conversations with him, like that, just like that.

"It's ok," he'll say. "I'm over it. We don't need to- let's just forget about it."

But it's not ok. They're not ok. She'll see it in his face. "Ryan…"

"I don't want to talk about it," he'll say, and the tension will raise his shoulders, clench his jaw and fists.

And she'll get him to fuck her. She'll kiss him and hold him, and make sure he fucks her, make sure he has that, they have that, to hold on to.

But it could have been anyone, any guy inside her, any girl beneath him. What made it what it was is gone. They can get it back, she trusts, but should it mean so much to her when it falls away so easy?

Why couldn't she be with both of them? Ryan and Johnny. Ryan and Kevin. Why is that so impossible? It's not the second name that matters, Ryan is first, always.

She likes imagining she's always lived in the trailer. What would Ryan say then? Would he like her like he likes Sadie? Would he respect her, admire her, rather than making her his pretty, damaged doll?

What if she…???

There's so many different ways she could have done this. So many different times when she might have reached out to him, made him care for her more or again.

But if it is only her body, bodies, if that's all it is, then what more can she give? She's already given it and he's already grown tired of it, ready to move on and move away.

He gives it to her and then he takes it away.

Kevin lies behind her, and his body feels amazing, so strong and hot.

She wishes she could talk to somebody about it. But Sum's, she loves Sum, but Sum's been a little bit judgmental ever since she hooked up with Cohen. Seems to think it should be as easy for everyone else as it is for them. And she knows her mom would understand, but that is so not a conversation she wants to have. Her mum would just, like, hold it against her later. Or lecture her, or worst of all, talk about Luke. She can imagine the conversation with Ryan. "Did you ever want someone you knew was no good for you? Want them so much you couldn't be without them, even though they made you miserable?"

She knows what his answer would be. He would never say it to her face, never even imply it, because, more than anything else, loyal or fierce or stubborn or determined, Ryan is kind. But everything she would say about Kevin to him would describe exactly his feelings about her. She is Ryan's Volchok, and that is so depressing she wants to cry.

Kevin's face, right after he comes inside her. He comes and slumps down beside her, and when he's drunk, his fingertips brush across her face. "Look at you," he says. "I can't stop looking at you, there's no one like you." He kisses her. He never uses the word beautiful, but she knows it's what he means.

When he is naked and quiet and still, sometimes she lets herself imagine how good it could be. Why couldn't they be good for each other, to each other? Why do they both have to be such fuck-ups, such losers?

Ryan's face every time he sees her with another guy. He'd never hurt her, never, but she's always a little scared, a little curious, if he might, if he would if she pushed him far enough.

Ryan's cock is thicker, Kevin's longer, just as the whole of their bodies differ.

DJ was beautiful, careful with her. Being in bed with Luke is almost forgotten, they only fucked a few times and he didn't really know what he was doing, not like everyone else she's been with since.

Alex was beautiful.

Beautiful people falling in love with her, except they never do, they only think they do.

Ryan was always there. Ryan is always there in everyone she's ever fucked and it's so unfair.

And she hates everyone else he's been with, wishes he could be hers, only hers.

"How many girls have you fucked?" she asks Kevin.

"You don't want to know."

"I do."

"How many girls have you fucked?"

"Only one."

"Yeah?" He takes off his belt, unbuttons his jeans. "Tell me about it."

She thought he might use words, words to hurt her, degrade her, and he does, sometimes. But more often he is, she can see it in his eyes, he is, he wants her, he hurts from how much he wants her. And somehow that makes it better, makes it worse.

She tells him about Alex as she jerks him off, and he keeps pulling her forward to kiss her, gasping as he pulls away again for air. She falls to her knees, wraps her mouth around his cock. "Yeah, suck it," he rasps.

He fucks her all night. Eats her out until he's hard again.

"You ever been fisted?" No, she doesn't want to try that, it scares her. Shakes her head, shivers, and he says, "Hey, calm down. If you don't want something, I won't do it. I won't. I promise. Calm down." Kisses her, so slow and soft, hands so gentle on her skin, she almost forgets who she's with, who he is, he's becoming someone new. "You ever take it up the back?" he says, sliding a finger in, makes her squirm at first, and then starts to feel so good. "Baby girl, I want to fuck you everywhere. Your mouth, your pussy, your ass. You give it up so sweet." He moves down her body and she does feel him everywhere, just like he promised, his finger up her ass, two fingers up her cunt, his mouth at her clit, her whole body clenching around him.

"Oh my god," she moans, again and again. "Don't stop, please, please, don't stop. Fuck me. Fuck me." Love is a fairy tale and a fraud and there's nothing else to say.


End file.
